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Supporting children through divorce and separation

Roger & Christine Day

As therapists we want to help couples to stay together. As a last resort we want to help them to part on good speaking terms.

But what about the children, the innocent ones caught in the middle of the pain and grief of their parents’ separation? What are their needs and how can parents help meet those needs?

However good a couple’s intentions when they separate, whatever steps they take to minimise the effect, children will almost always suffer in major ways because of their parents’ separation. This is probably the toughest fact for couples to accept.

Effects on children

‘They’re so young. Surely they won’t be affected badly?’ Wrong! Even small babies sense when there is tension in the house. If they have bonded with Daddy and he then leaves the family home, for instance, they will probably go through a time of confusion and unexplained crying.

Older children, from the age when they can talk, can be even more deeply affected. There will almost certainly be plenty of sadness, anger, hurt, confusion and a feeling of self-blame.

They may be affected in their sleep patterns, their school work or their relationships with peers.

Many children will go back a stage in their speaking and behaviour. Some will start wetting the bed again and even soiling their pants during the daytime.

Most will find ways to comfort themselves. This could be through a once-discarded teddy bear. It could be through returning to thumb sucking. Or, surprisingly common, playing with their genitals more than before. This is not the time to criticise or belittle children for this behaviour. It is natural given the trauma they are going through.

Immediate help

As soon as the separation has started or is decided, it is time to help the children. The longer things are left the worse effects children will suffer.

The top priority is to get the message across to the children that the separation isn’t their fault. Children need to hear clearly, if at all possible from both partners, that they have fallen out of love with one other but they still love their children.

The little girl in the story book Children Don’t Divorce (Stones, 1991) concludes: ‘Now I know that when my parents divorced it wasn’t because of me and Peter. Parents can divorce but not children. Even if they don’t live together, your mum and dad will always be your mum and dad’ (page 32).

At this early stage children need to hear the message again and again: ‘It wasn’t your fault. Even if you had been the best behaved girl or boy, Mummy and Daddy would still have separated.’

They also need to know clearly that, although one of their parents is going away, they will still see that parent regularly. If the child is too young to understand this verbally, use toys to show, for instance, the Daddy toy leaving and returning to collect the child on a regular basis.

This is probably the best time for children to have therapy so they can express their anger, sadness and confusion in a caring, supportive place. After all, what parent wants to watch as their child rages about Daddy or Mummy leaving? Far better to get professional help at this difficult and vulnerable time for the adults as well as the children.

Choose a therapist who relates well to children, and has plenty of training and experience. Play therapy with a qualified play therapist can enable children to use their natural means of solving problems – playing – in a specially equipped and exciting looking room. For many children it isn’t therapy but ‘special time’ just for them.

Continued support

Once the initial crisis is over it is time for both parents to help children on a regular, consistent basis. This will minimise long-term emotional damage and help children to adjust to a new way of life.

As therapists with many years’ experience, here are our Top Ten tips for helping children to cope with separation or divorce (at the end of the article you can pick up the links to YouTube for the songs):

1. I am strong when I am on your shoulders (You raise me up)

It will take years for you to get over the relationship you have left. Remember, though, that your children are grieving and in pain and confusion, too. They need time and space and creative ways to express their sadness and anger.

Watch out for signs of them struggling and be ready to carry them through their difficult times.

‘People feel sad about losing something they can never get back,’ Roger wrote for younger children. ‘Sadness is a strong feeling. It is a good feeling even though it isn’t nice. It is our way of saying goodbye. You may feel sad and then happy. You may have an empty feeling or pain inside.

‘It helps to:

Cry – you won’t need to cry for ever

Talk to someone about how you feel

Draw or write about your feelings’ (Day, 2004, page 10).

Your children will almost definitely be angry with you and your partner. They need to know that anger is an OK release of energy to help them sort out their problems, but that it isn’t OK to take out that anger on others, including you.

‘Your anger affects other people, so find a safe way to let it out:

Write it down or draw it

Count to ten

Shout loudly

Kick a ball or run fast

Punch a pillow

Tear up unwanted paper’ (Day, 2004, page 6).

2. Like a bridge over troubled water

Whatever caused your separation, even if it was because of violence, it is important not to speak badly about your ex- in front of the children.

Whenever possible and appropriate encourage healthy contact between your children and the missing parent. If the other parent is in another part of the country or even another country, allow the child to use Skype or Messenger to stay in touch.

Remember that your children may still want contact with both sets of grandparents – even if you no longer want contact with the parents of your ex-.

If and when new partners come along, help children gently to get used to the new situation. Don’t force them to love the new partner or use ‘Dad’ or ‘Mum’ until they are ready, if at all. After all, a child’s Dad is always his or her Dad.

3. It’s all about the climb (The climb)

If you remain as a single parent, it can be a tough journey for you. Don’t put extra pressure on your children. Remember to treat them as the age they are.

The oldest boy often feels he needs to take on the father’s role. Or, in the case of single fathers, the oldest daughter becomes the family’s ‘mother’. Do your best to discourage this. Allow them the privilege of being children.

Learn to enjoy the journey, even when things are tough. Help your children by regularly telling them that life isn’t fair and that they can’t turn the clocks back to how things were before. If they are old enough, involve them in the family’s struggles. ‘I’m not sleeping at nights so don’t be too upset if I shout at you no reason.’ ‘We’re short of money but we can make it through together.’ (Though never: ‘That rat of a father hasn’t paid any child support for you – again!’)

4. Where have all the good men gone? (I need a hero)

Children who live at home without the presence of a caring man are missing out on a vital part of their developmental needs.

An ongoing 25-year project in Germany has concluded that boys and girls who are played with as toddlers by their father grow to be more healthy adults than children who do not have a male role model at that age. This provides, says Sir Richard Bowlby, son the great attachment theorist John Bowlby, ‘further evidence for the importance of fathers’ play-sensitivity’ (Play for Life, Winter 2005, page 21).

If you are a single mother, make it your aim to find for your children a man you can trust to play with and spend time with your children on a regular basis. It could be a grandfather, an uncle, a youth leader or a family friend. If you really don’t trust men, insist that the person has a police check before he spends time with the children.

5. Did you really care? (Reflections)

In a family with two parents at home children become experts at playing one off against the other. ‘It’s not fair. Mum lets me . . .’ Such expert manipulation reaches new heights when the parents separate and the children see a quick way to get what they want.

It is important that the separated parents keep the same boundaries. This will mean some communication and cooperation between them about such things as bedtimes, films and computer games and what foods the child is allowed.

If a child says: ‘Daddy would let me,’ check it out or say you will phone him now. Call the child’s bluff. Don’t leave things to build up.

When a new partner comes along, renegotiate rules with your ex- if at all possible.

6. Stand by me

If you are the one who has left the family home, maintain as much involvement with your children as you possibly can. Just because you’ve separated, it doesn’t mean you’ve stopped being a parent.

Stay engaged in your children’s social lives. If possible, continue taking them to football, dancing or other clubs. This will give them the continuity they desperately need at this vulnerable time for them.

It is also important to take an interest in their education. Most schools are happy to include estranged partners in parents’ evenings. Read your children’s school reports attend plays and other activities they are in. If there are decisions to make about their schooling, talk to your ex- and see if you can agree a strategy together. Passivity can destroy a child. Active involvement can help him or her feel special.

7. You can make it if you try

Help your children look beyond the pain of the separation to the positive aspects of their new life.

They now have two birthdays and two Christmases with two lots of presents. They see Dad all day Saturday when he isn’t busy with work or jobs around the house. Mum has time to relax so she can spend time with you. There’s a peaceful atmosphere in both houses.

Sow negative thoughts and you will reap your children’s negative behaviour. Sow positive thoughts and ideas and your children will have a brighter outlook on life.

8. Just call my name and I’ll be there

Even if you are still suffering the pain of separation, it’s vital to pay attention to your children’s needs. Remember again, they aren’t to blame.

Some mothers slip and use negative phrases such as: ‘You’re just like your dad.’ Even if your son is just like his dad, don’t keep blaming that for his bad behaviour. Remember that half his genes are yours!

Depending on your children’s age, repeat honestly what has happened and why. Speak the truth without making your partner look like the worst person in the world.

However busy you are, look for the positives in your children. Research has shown that children need a positive message (verbal or physical) every 20 minutes throughout the day to grow up healthy and well-balanced. Even if you’ve done it a million times before, give your child a hug, a kiss or for an older boy a gentle tap on the arm and say:

‘I love you.’

‘You’re special.’

‘There’s no one just like you.’

‘I’m so glad you’re my child.’

9. Here we go again

Just when you think children have forgotten the pain of the divorce or separation, they hit the hormones of puberty and all hell breaks loose.

Teenagers naturally recycle any unresolved issues from earlier in their lives in order to deal with them. And they make their views crystal clear, usually by shouting about your failings as a parent in front of your friends.

Stay calm. Acknowledge that they are angry, sad or confused. Repeat (like an old broken record) things like:

‘It wasn’t your fault’

‘Your dad and I fell out of love. But we still love you.’

‘We were the ones who got married, not you.’

10. All you need is love

The parent who has left the family home often ends up lavishing on the children extravagant gifts or taking them out for expensive trips.

Sometimes this is a way of getting back at the parent left at home, who may not be able to afford such luxuries. More often, it is about the estranged parent doing something to appease his or her guilty conscience at having abandoned the children.

Either way, children will soon pick up and run with the message that visiting Dad means more electronic gadgets or toys.

In the long-term, children need much more than anything money can buy. They need your love, your affection, your time.

A father got time off from his busy schedule to take his son fishing. Years later, after they both died tragically, their journals for that day were compared.

The father wrote: ‘Took my son fishing. Caught nothing. Waste of time.

The son’s journal for the same event read: ‘Went fishing with my dad. It was the best day of my life.’

Roger Day is a transactional analysis trainer and supervisor (PTSTA) and is a psychotherapist and certified play therapist. Christine Day has a Diploma in Counselling, an adult teaching certificate and an NNEB qualification for working in kindergartens. Together they specialise in creative approaches in training and therapy. Among other skills, they provide therapy for both couples and children going through the pain of divorce and separation. Their work, Brook Creative Therapy, is based in Rugby in the Midlands of England. For further information see their website: www.brookcreativetherapy.com

References

Day, Roger (2004). Being Mad, Being Glad. London: Raintree Pubishers.

Stones, Rosemary (1991). Children Don’t Divorce. London: Dinosaur Publications.

YouTube song links (press RETURN on your computer to come back to this page)

I am strong when I am on your shoulders (You raise me up) –

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4DJHOzIxvs

Like a bridge over troubled water

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QC9SKjdoTXg

It’s all about the climb (The climb)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2zyeVRcbs

Where have all the good men gone? (I need a hero)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HhSdR64Ajk